First Day of Daycare: Dealing with Separation

Yesterday was my youngest son's first day of daycare... The first day is never easy for the child or the parents...

And why is separation so difficult?

In the child's case, it's easy to imagine... ever since they came into the world, they have felt the warmth of their loved ones and known their care, their affection, and their unconditional LOVE... and so, little by little, with affection, with tenderness, responding to their calls and their cries... they have begun to trust and to think that the world is a SAFE place... how can they not cry when they are separated from their loved ones and the "security" they associate with being with them?

In the case of parents, and especially the child's primary attachment figure, I think it's also easy to put oneself in their shoes... Do you remember the Little Prince's rose?

The truth is that when the day of separation comes and you have to leave them in the hands of someone who is a stranger to them and to you as well... it's not easy at all...

In my case, I had a first experience with my "older" daughter, who is now 3 years old. The truth is that I have very bad memories of those first days of daycare... the reason?... perhaps my inexperience contributed, and letting myself be guided by advice that was surely given with the best intention but did not correspond to what I felt inside I should do.

The policy of the daycare my daughter attended was that parents were not allowed inside... not even on the first day... they always picked up the child at the door... and I heard many comments like... it's much better this way, otherwise it will be much harder for them to separate from you... children know how to emotionally blackmail parents, etc., etc.

However, deep down, I couldn't stop asking myself... why do things so abruptly? Why not try to do it more gradually so that this separation process isn't so hard for either the child or me?

The truth is that I still remember that moment of separation when they took her while my little girl tried with all her might to keep holding onto me... BRUTAL!!... and that knot in my stomach with which I left... and the questions that hit me in the head... Am I doing this right?...

I don't want to dramatize, because it's true that my daughter quickly adapted to daycare and within about 3 weeks she started showing signs of wanting to go and leaving home with a smile and not a pout... But I was clear that with my son I wanted to do things differently...

And how? Well, to make this whole adaptation process more bearable... I'll give you some simple guidelines that have helped me and that are in line with my way of raising children... I have to say that my little one is now 2 years old so he understands me perfectly and is starting to say many things... this factor is not trivial... because it helps the child express their emotions and also understand what they are being told...

Here are some of these guidelines, in case they are also helpful to you:

1. Work on this topic with the child before they start daycare or school... prepare them mentally, telling them that they are going to start school, that they are going to meet other children and make new friends... that they are going to have a great time and learn many new things...
2. Go to the center with your child a few days before starting so that they start to feel it as a close, familiar, "friendly" place...
3. Convey EXCITEMENT for the new stage that is about to begin! In all the ways you can think of... sometimes if they have siblings or cousins, it can be a way for them to feel older to know that they are starting "school," etc.
4. ALWAYS, always, always speak to them POSITIVELY... about all the good things they will find there... It is very important that they see us confident in what we say and do, DO NOT DOUBT... or at least not see us do it... The SECURITY we transmit to them is very important for them to face this new stage... because it will be the security they themselves have...
5. Prepare all their school things with them... the backpack, putting it on their back so they feel grown-up... put all the necessary things in it... and have them help you do it... preparing the whole process and making them part of it is a fundamental part of starting school because it will make them excited and eager to begin...
6. Although it's true that it's not always possible, my advice is to start school gradually... give them time to familiarize themselves with the space, with the teacher, with their classmates... if we leave them for many hours on the first day, it will be hard for them or they may come to think that we won't come back (if they are very young), etc... The ideal, I think, is to leave them for 1 hour at first and gradually increase the time...
7. Accompany them the first few days to their classroom, let them see us interact with the teacher and the other children... let them see that it is a "friendly" place... and that we are leaving them in good hands...
8. When you leave them, always say goodbye to him or her, even if they cry, tell them you will be back soon, give them a kiss and let them see that you are confident that you are leaving them in good hands... if you disappear without a word, taking advantage of the fact that they are distracted, it will be even more difficult for him or her to understand what is happening... and the "shock" and "disappointment" can be even greater when they don't see you...
9. And finally, the most important thing: do things the way you feel they should be done... without letting yourself be swayed by the advice of others... listen to yourselves and do what your heart tells you and what you feel is best for them... because that way and only that way will you avoid many doubts and fears... that's how I'm doing it now and I can assure you that the experience has nothing to do with what I felt with my daughter...

From my experience, I believe the adaptation process can last three weeks or a month at most... although it's true that every child is different... but you'll see how quickly children get familiar with the environment, with the teacher, with the other children, and they go happily and contentedly!

And what has been or is your experience? How are you facing their first days now? Would you also like to share it?